One stray drop of nectar
that had wandered away with a will of its own
now landed on the woman.
The drop slid through Her forehead,
stayed in a momentary indecision over Her nose
and finally landed on Her lips.
Her lips got the taste of the nectar.
Then...
Like an enraged serpent Her tongue lashed out.
It stood there extended like a red flame from Her mouth
and She gradually descended.
The eye of the artist now lay at Her feet
and as Her feet fixed themselves on His eye,
firm earth was born.
She stood there with Her tongue lashing,
the branches of the tree rising behind Her like fingers of a giant witch.
She stood there on the artist's eye.
that had wandered away with a will of its own
now landed on the woman.
The drop slid through Her forehead,
stayed in a momentary indecision over Her nose
and finally landed on Her lips.
Her lips got the taste of the nectar.
Then...
Like an enraged serpent Her tongue lashed out.
It stood there extended like a red flame from Her mouth
and She gradually descended.
The eye of the artist now lay at Her feet
and as Her feet fixed themselves on His eye,
firm earth was born.
She stood there with Her tongue lashing,
the branches of the tree rising behind Her like fingers of a giant witch.
She stood there on the artist's eye.
The SAdhanA continues...| 6:59:00 pm
11 Comments:
anyways...who wrote that thing...great i am pretty bad to understand those...but i got that ......keep up...visit mine.though not so poetic as u r..but still i can provide sme service
@Suraj - Who wrote that thing? Me, pal!!! Didn't quite understand your comment fully. Just been to your BLOG.
Over to you:
1 If you could pick one incident in your life that has made a big impact, what would it be?
2 Assume you are in a neauty contest (just assume dammit) and you are asked the stereotipical question; "What would you do do if you won?" (or something along those line, the answer to which is always WORLD PEACE)...what you you say?
3 Vanilla or Choclate?
4 If you didnt really have to care about the money, what profession would you choose?
5 You are at a party and come across someone that starts talking to you like you are bum chums. Unfortunately you cannot even remembr the persons name let alone where you know them from. What do you do?
I am going to do it. For better or for worse.
One stray drop of nectar
that had wandered away with a will of its own
now landed on the woman.
You don't need to say One. A stray... would have sufficed, and done so more soothingly. As it stands, it's a little aggressive. Breaking the second line after wandered will also emphasise the second half more, which increases the effect. now landed is a little odd, because you are referring to the present time in the past tense.
The drop slid through Her forehead,
stayed in a momentary indecision over Her nose
and finally landed on Her lips.
If you want to use the ultra-reverential Her, then maybe you should have begun with Woman instead of woman. I don't think it is necessary in this poem, although it adds some supernatural quality to your feminine. The drop should probably have slid over her forehead, not through it. There's also a redundant a in the next line, and finally is also not required.
Her lips got the taste of the nectar.
This whole line is superfluous, coming after the previous set of three lines.
Then...
You don't need the ellipsis, but you could have used a colon, instead. If you actually need to say Then, that is.
Like an enraged serpent Her tongue lashed out.
It stood there extended like a red flame from Her mouth
and She gradually descended.
Comma after serpent. If you use a comma again after out, you can simplify the next line to a red flame extending from Her mouth. The last line doesn't fit with what is going on so far. There is no indication of where she is descending from, or that she was at an elevated position to begin with. It's just abrupt.
The eye of the artist now lay at Her feet
and as Her feet fixed themselves on His eye,
firm earth was born.
Very weak lines. They may be important, but the first two lines are just not right. It feels outright like you're translating from a different language.
She stood there with Her tongue lashing,
the branches of the tree rising behind Her like fingers of a giant witch.
She stood there on the artist's eye.
The tongue is lashing again, but it's hard to see why. She seems to be literally standing on the eye, out of which a tree has sprouted from the ground. It's very interesting and powerful imagery, but it doesn't seem to lead to any conclusive destination. Maybe I need more information.
@Sumant - Wonderful...I hand't checked this BLOG in quite sometime (I knwo, stupid of me not checking my own BLOG!!!). Will make changes a suggested. Regarding the meaning behind the imagery, I guess that is best revealed slowly!! Gosh...I almost forgot this BLOG with the other two...need to work on it again.Thanks a lot buddy!!! If you drop your mail id, perhaps we can have a discussion?
sumants@gmail.com
Discussions are always good and welcome.
Shri Agnibharathi:
First I must acknowledge that the poem u presented is filled with deep meaning. " "The drop of Necter wandered away with a will of its own...." It is a form of Shakti and truly it has its own will....
Sitting undecided on the tip of the nose....Should I or Should I not?.....Finally Shakti decides to land on the lips.... Her tongue lashed out and "The Word (AUM) Emerged....The Universe was born.....This is how I revelled in the Beauty of your Poem....
I invite u to check my Webpage....We seem to have a common wavelength....
Agnibharathi: Good poem. The Shakthi version of Purusha Suktham. Swaha.
@Parasher - You have presented a totally different and better perspective to the poem. I now see the advantage of writing abstract poems - they give rise to so many ideas!
@Swaha - To be honest, I'm yet to read Purusha Suktham. :)
@Parasher and Swaha - This poem is not an individual poem. It is a series of poems, something like an epic. You might want to read from the start of the archives to read the cantos one after the other.
Ambi Arumai Arumai
Kavya
@Kavya - Nandri
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